Monthly Archives: October 2014

Order Now!

Here’s another entry in Chuck Wendig’s flash fiction challenges at Terrible Minds. This one is Spammerpunk Horror! The idea is to write a horror story framed as a spam email. I don’t write much horror, so we’ll see how this flies with people who do. Oh yeah…try not to send anything to the email links included. I made them up, but…you know.

Return-path: ref_4879mutating@deathmask.ru
Delivery-date: Wed, 14 Oct 2014 15:05:07 +0100
X-ClientAddr: 62.94.45.238
Received: from eurostudio (ip-45-238.sn1.eutelia.it [62.94.45.238])
Message-ID: hqghumeayl.6189279543lfdxfircvs@Geoffxggbwkf.com
From: “Bathory” ref_4870mutating@deathmask.ru

To: “recipient” shane.is.cool@aol.com
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 2014 15:47:25 +0100
Subject: T..H.E_G.I..RL.S_W..I.LL_L.O..VE_Y..OU.R_FACE (ref. 4879idiot)
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/html; charset=iso-8859-1

Dear recipient:

Red Death Masques announces the beginning of an unprecedented worldwide awareness campaign regarding our prosthetic compression masks, which are on the forefront of medical technology.

We are quickly becoming the number one organization on the internet, and the world at large, supplying facial compression masks printed in the image of a patient whose face is disfigured or heavily burned. We pride ourselves on the attractive, realistic facial replicas, and have been told that the mask is more attractive than the client’s actual, pre-trauma, physiognomy.

We already have many customers, but wanted to make sure that you, shane.is.cool@aol.com, as a trusted friend, were aware of the services we offer. In the event of burns, scarring or disfigurement from battery acid we digitally scan your face, then using photographs from family, friends and social media, as well as personal interviews, we recreate your intact facial appearance, and add a touch of glamour. We are also confident that our product hides contractures, scarring and changes in pigmentation due to extensive burn damage.

In the case of an acid or vitriol attack our masks are often padded, compensating for the lost layer of fat that has been burned off under your skin. This adds a layer of comfort and protection such that you may feel more comfortable in our skin than in yours! Though we are unable to create functional eyelids to replace the ones you have lost, ours will simply give you a sleepy, heavy-lidded expression that some people find attractive. Similarly, Shane, our masks will not make your mouth less shrunken or narrow, but it will camouflage the skeletal grin you sport now that you no longer have lips.

Rest assured, no-one in the entire Baxter family will recognize that the reconnected tendons and fascia sliced from either side of your mouth with a straight razor are not functionally connected, and that you cannot actually talk or chew food. Nor will they see the hairline scars around the perimeter of your face where your skin was peeled back to the bone, then reattached.

Our product is reasonably priced, and we offer an accessible payment plan. Should you fall behind in payments we will repossess the mask, but our collection agents will be gentle, and will not cause undue harm in their duties. Unless you fight them, of course.

We recognize that your face is not currently burned or otherwise disfigured, apart from that large mole behind your right ear. As your parents are at a park screwing in the back of the mini-van and your sister is getting blacked out drunk at a party it is an ideal time for an agent to arrive in your basement to amend this situation. He will arrive momentarily, and, conveniently, carries a 3D scanner, so you can avail yourself of our services as soon as you become a member of our target market.

ORDER NOW FOR BEST PRICES!

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